My Tattoo (Lone Wolf)

When I put the “Have you ever?” list on my blog on Oct. 25, I mentioned that I have a tattoo. So here’s that story… In my late 20’s I was going through a major identity crisis. I was trapped in a dead-end job (working at a college) where my co-workers were all drinkers and wanted nothing to do w/ me b/c I wouldn’t party w/ them. Also, the guy I was madly infatuated with had rejected me. I was feeling lost and I didn't know where I belonged in life. I didn’t remember exactly where or when the epiphany came to me, but one day I finally realized that my identity revolved around being alone. Just like a lone wolf, I was an outcast among my peers and I was walking through life w/o a “mate” (both themes are still prevalent in my life). I contemplated it for at least six months before I did it, but on one particularly bad day at work, I decided that was the day I would get a tattoo. I designed it myself, and chose to have one set of wolf prints tattooed on my upper right arm. Yes, it hurt like crazy & also bled a lot. The single set of tracks symbolizes that I walk through life alone.
I know that biblically tattoos are not really pleasing to God as the bible says not to cut your flesh. I do regret that I disappointed God, but honestly, I was very naïve on how tattoos were done. I thought it was a permanent ink drawn on, not carved in. Of course, I could have stopped it when it began, but I didn’t. The tattoo was very therapeutic for me, however, and I am glad I have it. Especially since the insight into my identity has proven itself true not only then but also for last 7 years. Real lone wolves usually meet up w/ another lone wolf and they start a new pack together. Maybe someday my status will change as well, but I’m done w/ tattoos either way.

To celebrate or not to celebrate?

I try not to do more than 1 blog entry a day, so sorry for the over-indulgence, but I wanted to post this one today as well.
Tomorrow is Halloween. My friend, Sidney, and I were talking about whether or not, as Christians, we should celebrate it. Every year I struggle w/ whether or not I will dress up. This year I am considering dressing like Captain Kirk since I have an awesome gold Star Trek shirt. Yet I feel guilty doing so. It’s not like I’m worshipping Satan or saying He wins by dressing up, but still...
Sidney & I also discussed the fact that many churches have “Harvest” parties on Halloween. I think this is actually a good idea. It brings in children from the community into church where they can have a safe and spiritual night rather than a scary, secular one. My sister & her friends are doing a progressive dinner. I think this is another good idea b/c the kids still get to have a fun night and embrace their imaginations by wearing costumes (her kids will be characters from “The Lion, the Witch, & the Wardrobe").
For those of you my age or older, you may remember the old song “Why should the devil have all the good music?” I think my ideas run along that same theory. Why shouldn’t Christian children be allowed to make themselves sick on too much sugar one night a year and have fun dressing up? As long as the parents are careful on what they celebrate. I like the “Harvest” party idea b/c the churches can incorporate giving thanks to God for farmers and fall and all that good stuff. I just hope that churches use the opportunity to witness to families & don’t just revolve the night simply around having fun. I hope they take full advantage of showing the participants the pure love of God. I say we take Halloween away from the dark side and turn it into a positive night! After all, it was done before and turned into “All Saints’ Evening” in either 609 or 1610 (I read 2 different articles w/ 2 different dates). It’s intention was to be a day of prayer & also to honor Christian saints. Let's return to those intenions & make it day to celebrate Christ & not Satan!
For further advice, here’s and article w/ some good links about Halloween: http://www.answersingenesis.org/Radio/halloween.aspx

Commenting on the Comments

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to comment on the same blog where the comment was left to respond to it, or if I just do so in my next entry?? I guess I'm not up on blog etiquette! So thanks to my sister's freind (also named Julie) that commented on my blog! It was kind of you to do so. And to Christina, I agree that maybe this whole carzy world of blogging is a new way for us to get to know each other better! Thanks to God for that (literally)! ")

On Being Single

I used to pride myself in being ridiculously content at still being single in my 30’s. And it used to honestly not bother me. Yet since I turned 34 last month, I seem to be stuck in the doldrums of singleness. I don’t really know why. I have not depended on the company of others even when I was a baby. I have always been quite capable of being alone. Due to a house full of dogs & cats, I have rarely felt lonely.
So why do I suddenly find myself constantly looking green-eyed at all those around me who have a special someone in his/her life? My dreams of a husband and children (asleep and awake) seem to have quadrupled. When I wake up, I feel extra empty and sometimes even miss the family that seemed so real only seconds ago. I even bought a bride magazine the other day. I have no idea why as I have never done so before.
Is my so-called biological clock getting closer to running down so it’s going crazy? Am I just jealous b/c my sister is thinking she’ll have another baby by next fall (Not that I’m not ecstatic for her; I hope she does have a new baby soon!)? Or is God trying to wake me up to the woman he intended me to be? I don’t know. And even if I did, I have no idea how to obtain so much as a date. Don’t get me wrong, this is not some psychotic attempt to have a stranger proposition me through my blog; I am merely ranting and letting any others feeling this way, to not feel so alone.
So all in all, the only thing in my power to do is all I can ever do: trust in God and in Psalm 37:4, Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Of course I do not want to please God just to manipulate Him into giving me the family I so desire. I want my thirst for God to be genuine (and I believe it is), so that if He chooses to bless me, it is merely an extra bonus to my walk w/ Him.

Comments From my SIS

I just realized that my sweet sister went through and posted a comment one every one of my blogs! I always read her blog but I don't usually post a comment, don't know why?? Anyway, thanks, sis for caring! :)

A Week of Best Friend Profiles: Ami

The last one on my best friend list is not a current one, nor do I have any photos on disc. But Ami was my best friend from 7th to 12th grades and a little beyond. We both played trumpet, and started off not liking each other at all. B/c we were the only 2 girl trumpeters, everyone expected us to be friends and my mom “insisted” I invite her over for a slumber party (or was it her mom??). Anyway, we found out that even though she was the loud-mouthed one and I the quiet one, we were very compatible. Her craziness was a good influence on my shyness. She helped me come out of my shell. I don’t know if my sanity helped to keep her grounded at all though.
We did some silly things like convincing people we were fraternal twins separated at birth and then reunited (it’s amazing that people believed us!). We did some not so nice things like climbed out of the window in the middle of class, and used the same excuse note for about a year to get out of our boring classes (we never let the teachers hang on to the note & used it over and over – I don’t know why the teachers didn’t catch on!). It was the “have you ever” list I posted a few days ago that made me think of Ami, especially the question that asks if you have ever adopted an accent for an entire day. We used to use accents all the time and then go to a furniture store or car lot and pretend to be from the south or New York or England or somewhere w/ an accent and get an over-zealous sales person to go crazy to try to sell us something we had no intention of buying. Not harmful to any one, but funny to us. Especially when one of us would forget to use our middle names as our pseudonyms, and the other would start to laugh. I could write several pages of our crazy adventures!
As w/ my sister, it makes me sad that Ami & I aren’t in each other's life as we had imagined we would be. We lost touch about 2 years after graduation when she went into the Army. The last time I had contact w/ her was about 6 years ago, and then we lost touch again. Last I heard she was working for Southwest Airlines. I hope all is going well in her life!

A Week of Best Friend Profiles: My Grandma

I don’t know if I could technically call my grandma a best friend since I haven’t seen her in about 10 years. However, we are “pen pals,” and she is someone I greatly admire. My name, Julie Beth, is a version of her name, Jewel Elizabeth. She is my mom’s mom. The artwork in the photo is hers (sorry, I don’t have any photos of her on disc). She carved the picture of my dog, Frodo in the wood and then painted it. She’s really talented in painting animals from photos.
My grandma is a strong lady. She is a survivor of lung cancer (she had a great deal of one or both of her lungs removed; I can’t remember how much). I have not only inherited my name from her, but also her compassion of animals, and her love of writing. She is, as you can see by the photo, a talented artist as well. I have at least 5 paintings of hers on my walls at home (all my favorite pieces of art). She is also a very encouraging fan of my writing. I am glad that my novel is finally finished so that I can send it to her to read.
B/c she and my late grandfather, Veikko, a sweet Finnish man, live(d) in beautiful upstate New York, I did not see them much as a child (or as an adult, for that matter), but I have always felt very close to her and have a great love for her.
I wanted to post one of her poems, but I can’t find the book I copied them into.
Oh, and I just realized, her birthday is today, Oct. 26. I think she will be 84.

Have You Ever?

I got this from my sister’s blog (http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/quietcajun/). I shortened a little b/c it was 113 questions. The idea is to copy and paste to your own blog and highlight the things you have done. I put ** next to the ones I have done & a ! next to the ones I want to do. HAVE YOU EVER...
Swam with wild dolphins !
Climbed a mountain **
Said "I love you" and meant it **
Hugged a tree **
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris !
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise **
Seen the Northern Lights !
Grown and eaten your own vegetables !
Slept under the stars **
Changed a baby’s diaper **
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon !
Given more than you can afford to charity **
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope **
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment **
Had a food fight **
Had a snowball fight **
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can **
Held a lamb ** (a goat) **
Seen a total eclipse **
Ridden a roller coaster **
Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking **
Adopted an accent for an entire day **
Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment **
Visited all 50 states !
Had amazing friends **
Watched whales !
Backpacked in Europe !
Taken a road-trip **
Gone rock climbing !
Moonlit walk on the beach !
Gone sky diving ** (paragliding) **
Visited Ireland (my dad & Vickey are going there next month) !
Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love ** (If you were still heartbroken, I would think it meant you were still in love.) **
Milked a cow ** (a goat) **
Alphabetized your CDs ** (and my DVDs, videos, & books) **
Pretended to be a superhero **
Sang karaoke
Gone scuba diving ** (snorkeling In Hawaii) **
Kissed in the rain !!
Played in the mud **
Played in the rain **
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken !!!!!
Taken a martial arts class
Made cookies from scratch **
Gotten a tattoo ** (That story is for another day) **
Rafted the Snake River ** (Payette River 2 times) **
Performed on stage **
Been to Las Vegas ** (Just to eat, not to gamble.) **
Recorded music !
Kissed on the first date **
Bought a house **
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently !
Passed out cold
Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking ** (Every day) **
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived **
Wrote articles for a large publication !
Piloted an airplane !
Broken someone’s heart ?????
Helped an animal give birth **
Broken a bone ** (Just a thumb & a toe) **

A Week of Best Friend Profiles: Sidney

Sidney is my only other non-related best friend (other than Cheryl). Sidney is the man I share my office with at work. He is the brother I never had. We have a lot in common such as both growing up P Ks (Preacher’s Kids), our parents are divorced, & we are both sci-fi/ fantasy fiction nerds. We also have a lot of the same philosophies of life. We get along really well and we laugh a lot. I am surprised I trusted someone I barely knew so fast, but, we felt like we had been friends forever the first day we met. And just to quench any suspicions any one may have… I absolutely do not think of him in any other terms other than platonic. He is married to an awesome lady named Kelsey, and I have an automatic stop sign in my brain for married men.
Here’s a joke he sent me, just to show our silly senses of humor at the goofy stuff we laugh at all day: Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!”

A Quick Clarification

Just a quick note that I’m not intentionally snubbing my step-parents in my stories of best friends this week. My mom’s husband, Frank is a really nice and spiritual man, and Vickey, my dad’s wife, is a sweet and smart lady, but I don’t see either very often. Frank drives truck and when he’s home, I don’t see either he or my mom for more than a few seconds if they happen to drop by my house. And Vickey is a workaholic, so I usually only see her on holidays and every once and a whiles. So I’m not purposely trying to exclude them, I just don’t see them enough to count them among my best friends.

A Week of Best Friend Profiles: My Dad

My dad, Otto, is another one of my best friends. We get together 2-3 times a month for lunch and rent a movie. That’s him in the photo at my house when my dogs Brejae’ & Frodo bombarded him. My dogs love him to death!
My dad has overcome a lot of obstacles in his life and is living proof that just b/c you were abused as a child does not mean you have to be an abuser. He is a great father despite his insane childhood. He has taught me much about generosity, perseverance, standing up for myself, and following my dreams. He is a good Christian example of what a man should be.
Here is one of the poems I wrote about him. Keep in mind this was written by 15-year old, so it’s pretty awful. The message is clear, however.

The Proud Man

My dad was once a preacher,
He sued to preach every Sunday,
He would put on his suit and tie,
He liked to strut out that door

My father was a proud man
Until they hurt him,
They took his pride,
And now his strut was gone

He received another job,
He is a counselor,
His pride is returning,
The hurt is leaving

No matter what they did to him,
I will always be proud,
Whether he’s in a suit or sweats,
For he is my father

-Julie Zuckschwerdt 1987

A Week of Best Friend Profiles: My Mom

My and my dad are my closest friends. Today I’ll write about my mom, Carole. That’s her w/ cat, Yonni.
My mom has taught me a lot about compassion. She does everything she can for those less fortunate. She is always helping people who need it (including me) to the point of sacrificing her own needs.
She is also very enthusiastic about her Messianic beliefs. Even though we don’t see eye to eye on all her theories, I respect her viewpoint. I admire her for her boldness in her faith and willingness to witness.
Since this feels a little like I’m writing an 8th grade essay, I’ll just end this off by including a poem I wrote about her.

Carole’s Song

Mistakes were made,
Hearts were broken,
Relationships were shattered,
But that was not the end.

Redemption enveloped her soul,
Tears were shed,
A bruised reed was mending,
A new stage was emerging.

Healing had begun,
Changes were being made,
Lives were being restored,
A new day had dawned.

A new love,
A new faith,
A stronger heart,
This was just the beginning.

Beauty shines,
Soul is strengthened,
Life and love are embraced,
A new world awaits!

-Julie Zuckschwerdt 2002

A Week of Best Friend Profiles: Cheryl

Sorry, this is the only photo I have of Cheryl! I took it on Halloween in 2003. She’s the one in the orange wig (the girl in the purple wig is Natasha, she was 7 months pregnant at the time).
I have decided to use this week to write about my best friends. I already wrote about my sister, Christina, on Friday, so I’ll move on to the other friends in my life. (In no particular order.)
I mentioned in the end of my Oct. 18 posting that one of my best friends is a detective. Her name is Cheryl. We actually only see each other 1-2 times a month and don’t talk in between. It is a strange friendship, but it works. She is 39 (or 40?) and also a single Christian Chick. Because we are both so independent, it makes it easier to be friends since neither of us expects anything of the other.
She started off in the office at the police department and later became a street cop, and is now the detective for Health & Welfare. We have been friends for about 3 years. She has been a good friend and has helped with my animals when I went to Utah to train for crime analysis. She has helped me with yard work when I was sick. She is very kind to her neighbors and anyone who needs her to be. She is one of the most genuine humans I know.
However, when I was going through all my “hell” at the police department and tried to confide in her, she acted like I was being paranoid and did not believe me. Now that I am gone, the nasty supervisor that was so horrible to me (the other one retired 2 weeks after I quit), has now targeted Cheryl even though she has no authority over her. She has managed to get Cheryl in trouble w/ her sergeant. Now Cheryl believes me.
I hold no ill will against her for not believing me, but it has made me more guarded around her in what I say. I still consider her one of my best friends and admire her sweet, albeit sometimes naïve personality.
With all that said, if any one is reading this, please support your friends when they need you the most. If you question their validity, weigh the facts and consider if they are usually a credible person. Don’t insult them by questioning their honesty in their time of trial. Even if you don’t believe them, you can at least offer to pray for them and be there as a friend to listen to their heartache.

Other People's Photos

I only have 4 minutes, so I'll make this quick. I just wanted to say that I love looking at other people's photos. I really enjoy seeing where others find beauty. I often just click on "next blog" at the top of the blogs in this blog community. Sometimes I just to look at the photos out there. I'm sure to some, my animal photos may be boring, but hopefully to others is says a lot about the beauty I find in my life. So keep on posting pictures, for they truly show the heart and soul of your life. Sorry for the bad writing; I'm in a hurry. Gotta go!

Happy Birthday, S.I.S. (Simply Incredible Sister)

Tomorrow, Oct. 21, will be my sister Christina’s 37th birthday. Sorry I don’t have any photos of her on disc (and I don’t have a digital camera) to post on my blog. For a photo, view her blog at: http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/quietcajun/
We were always very close goring up. We used to have this corny saying that we are as alike as sibling and sister, but as different as day and night. This actually describes us quite a bit. She is the girlie girl who is very social, and I’m more the tom-boyish one who is perfectly fine being alone. As we have grown up and gone our separate ways, we are even more different. She is married w/ 5 children, and I am the hopelessly single one. Yet we are very similar in that we are both into anything creative and our moral values reflect biblical principles.
It makes me sad that our lives are not what we fantasized them to be. We used to cut pictures out of magazines and create our families and say we would live next door to each other. However, we have not even lived in the same state for over 19 years. Although the distance makes it difficult to know each other as well as we could, our bond as sisters will always be strong. And despite our separate lives, I am still very much interested in her life and read her blog every day to keep up on her happenings.
I am very grateful to the childhood I got to share with Christina and all our inside. I wish I got to share my adulthood with her, but I still consider myself blessed to have such a wonderful and Godly woman in my life. I really admire who she is. She is an amazing stay at home mom who home schools her 5 children. She has a very loving marriage with her husband, Russ. She is very smart and talented. And, she is beautiful on the outside too. Yep, she has it all. I hope she knows how blessed she is. Happy birthday, S.I.S!
P.S. Happy 48th birthday today to my favorite actor, Viggo Mortensen. No, I’m not a psycho fan, but I did love him as Aragorn in “Lord of the Rings” and in “Hidalgo.” I admire his talent as a poet, painter, and photographer as well. His movies don’t all reflect my personal morals so I haven’t seen them all, but those I have I think he is an underrated actor. Plus I like that he’s not afraid to speak his political views. And he’s just so dreamy! :)

It All Worked Out

Oct. 21 will be my dog Frodo’s 8th birthday. Isn’t he adorable! He is a rottweiler / hound dog mix. Saturday will also be our 2nd anniversary (which is why I made it his b-day since I don’t know his real one). I was very much manipulated into taking him. My boss at the time and another co-worker both begged me to take him in b/c their friend was moving out of state and could not take him with them. I had 3 dogs at the time, and did not want a 4th. They continued to beg me saying that if I didn’t take him that he would be placed in the animal shelter. They fully took advantage of my compassion for animals, knowing I would not be able to stand any animal being placed in the shelter. So I agreed to take him on a trial basis. What I did not know was that his former owner was moving in less than a week. Also, when they described him to me, they explained a much smaller dog, and I was shocked when I saw how big he was.
His name had been Plato when I got him, but as with all my animals, I wanted a name that was significant to me. Yet I also needed a name similar so that he would respond to it. Therefore I named him Frodo b/c of my love of “The Lord of the Rings.”
Even though my generosity had been taken advantage of, I am very grateful to have Frodo in my life. He is an awesome dog and friend. He came into my life less than 2 months before my 17-year old dog, Bart died, and my 12-year old dog Jaydee died 8 months after that. Although Frodo could not replace them, his gentle and silly personality was a great comfort during the times of loss.
Therefore, even though my ex-co-workers were unkind for using me, God really did work all things out for His (and my) good!

Never Kiss a Turtle

This is just something silly I wrote when I got my turtles 3 years ago. I was reading a book on turtle care, and it actually advised to never kiss a turtle! I know it's b/c of samonella, but I still thought it was funny! So I wrote this. The photo is of my turtle, Arwen.

Never Kiss a Turtle

Never kiss a turtle,
That’s what the experts say,
But if you are a turtle,
Should you do so anyway?

For the sake of turtle love,
We will not interfere,
But never kiss a turtle,
Unless you are one, dear!

-Julie Zuckschwerdt 2003

Cosette Update

Cosette started eating on her own for the first time in 2 ½ weeks Monday evening. (She's hiding in the middle of the stuffed cats in the photo. Her E.T. impersonation?) I was afraid to get too excited that she was actually getting better, especially when she refused again to eat Tuesday morning. But she ate last night and again this morning. And when I went home for lunch she was eating dog food! So I am very happy to say that my sweet cat is getting better and better! She was definitely prayed for & my mom even came to my house on Sunday and anointed her w/ oil. So, thank you very much, God for caring enough about me to care about Cosette.

Story Behind the 3 Posted Poems (Part 2)

To start where I left off on last time… Standing up against the bullies only made my life worse. I was called into meeting after meeting and forced to continually re-explain all I had been experiencing. In every meeting there was any where between 2-6 people against me in the room and no one for. Of course, with each “meeting,” I was criticized and belittled as if I was a paranoid psycho. I would have doubted my sanity if I had not been keeping careful documentation that I was able to go back and read to prove a pattern.
I did not want to be so brave and wanted out many times. Every time I would try to refuse to be forced into one of these sessions, I was told I was not allowed to chose, and I had to participate and be cross-examined over and over. However, I found myself growing bolder and bolder and was able to speak out against the immoral and unethical behaviors I saw from many of those in authority. My interrogator from city hall (whom I was also forced to talk with), promised she would change things and claimed to be appalled by all I had told. However, when it came down to it, in my last hearing the day before I got another job and was finally able to quit, she lied about all I had said and claimed to have no knowledge of all I had confided to her.
Sounds like an intriguing book or movie, but it was a hellish life. It’s pretty stupid to tick of the police in the city you live in. But I had to. I had to take a stand for my Christianity and against the unethical behavior of so many that make the rules.
Now if you read the poems again, they’ll make more sense.
It was an extremely tough 8 months, and I am grateful it is now 6 months behind me. I don’t know why God wanted me to go through it all. I often felt imprisoned inside the police department as I begged for God to set me free. I felt very isolated and alone. I am still healing from my bitterness. Understand though, I hold no ill will against the police; I still see them as heroes, and I still love (and even miss) law enforcement. However on a personal basis (other than one of my friends who is a detective), I would prefer to keep as far a distance as possible.

Story Behind the 3 Posted Poems (Part 1)

I decided to post poems in my blog last week b/c I’ve been pretty sick and didn’t feel like writing. I wrote the 3 poems shortly after I quit the police department. So now, here is the as- brief-as-I-can-make-it-story of why I no longer work there: Basically I had two very nasty supervisors who really did not like me. For example, one of them would give me tasks to do for the day and then when supervisor #2 would ask why I did things that way, I would say I was told to. #1 Would then lie and say she never told me to do so. This happened several times a week. Also, #1 turned all the other girls in the office that used to be my friends against me. I would go all day w/ no one talking to me, even when I tried to talk to them (with the exception of one lady). I was, essentially, the pariah. (This is just a small part of the hell I went through.)
I don’t entirely know why they turned on me. I believe it started when I took over #1’s old position as crime analyst when she became the supervisor. I was highly complimented by the chief of police and others in authority on my excellent job. My suspicion is she could not handle the attention I got and jealousy is what turned her against me. For one thing, we had been pretty good friends before then. Also, I fully believe in Ephesians 6:10-18 and that I was facing an all out spiritual war with #1 and #2. Especially since #1 is into witch doctors and psychics and such.
Eventually it came to where they wanted me gone so badly that they created a false evaluation of my work and placed me on 6 months probation. However, I chose to fight back and cited religious discrimination as a factor in them trying to force me out the door. That only made things worse for me. (To be continued…)

Of Temper Tantrums & Thanksgiving (Not the holiday!)

I’m usually a pretty level-headed person and don’t lose my temper very often. However, Saturday morning I had a big hissy fit. I had come home from the vet to a box of tissues strewn all over the living room. Not really a huge deal, but I have been sick all week and stressed out over my cat’s illness, and really was not in the mood to clean up another mess by my dogs. I yelled at them louder than usual, but they just wagged their tails. So I kicked the dryer and then the washing machine to get their attention. Then they cowered and knew I was mad. I would NEVER hit them and did not then, but they were plenty scared of my temper tantrum. Since I was feeling so sick, I crawled back into bed (after cleaning up the mess of tissues every where and letting the dogs out & in). All 4 dogs crawled into bed with me and snuggled in close. I think partially to make sure I wasn’t still mad, and also b/c they knew I needed their comfort. After all, they don’t see me act that way more than 1 or 2 times a year. I snuggled back and told them I was not sorry for yelling, but I did still love them.
I know God understands and even expects us to lose our cool once and a while. The bible says to be angry, but sin not (I don’t have time to look up the passage right now). I was angry alright, but I did sin. I said quite a lot of bad words. I have a problem with my swearing. I wish I didn’t, but, and especially when my frustrations have boiled over, I tend to use every bad word I can think of. For that I had to apologize to God.
I don’t have any point today. Just appreciating God for His forgiveness.
P.S. I now know that my cat, Cosette has Hepatic Lipidosis (fatty liver disease). Depending on how fast and aggressively it is treated, there is a 70% chance she’ll survive. It is very hard though to force feed her twice a day. I read that this could take up to 8 weeks to cure and in most cases a tube is inserted in the stomach to help w/ feeding. I hope it doesn’t come to that. Also, I mentioned last time that the vet bill was hard on me financially. Well, my mom surprised me my calling the vet and putting $100 of the bill on her credit card. I insisted n paying her back, but she said not to. Also, one of the girls at work finally paid me $100 this morning that’s she owed me for buying my treadmill. So thanks to God for paying $200 of the $350+ vet bill!!

When The Rain Falls

When the Rain Falls

If the rain falls
On the just and unjust,
Then why be just?If life promises to fare no better
If you pledge your life to God,
Then why do so?
If there seems to be no purpose
To anything at any time,
Then why believe in a merciful God?
There are no simple answers,
Only mystery piled on mystery.

There will be frustration,
There will be unanswered questions,
There will be heartache,
And there will be joy.

The Bible promises the weeping will cease;
That all will work together for His good;
Whether we understand or not;
Our changes come from believing,
In knowing eternity will bring peace.

The difference is in allowing yourself to feel…
Feel peace,
Feel God’s love,
Feel secure,
Feel broken,
Feel healed.

The rain will fall
On the just and unjust,
So be just,
It will not make the sun come out,
But it will change how you handle the storm.
It will fill you with unfathomable strength,
And though you may not believe it now,
You will eventually find joy in the mourning.

-Julie Zuckschwerdt 05/09/06

Why Me?

Why Me?

Losing precious animals,
Religious discrimination,
Financial woes,
And I wonder why me?
What have I done?
Am I being punished?
What sins have I not confessed?

In the midst of my pity party,
God asks me,
“Why would you want to be exempt?”
I should accept the challenges,
Be ready to grow in faith,
Grow in confidence of His love,
Grow in conviction.

So when the storms come,
And I know they will,
I should again ask, why me?
Why am I so special?
To be chosen,
To be given the opportunity
To draw closer to heaven,
To know God more intimately,
And prove myself worthy.

I may never know why me,
Why trials come my way,
Why I am asked to endure,
But I will do my best
To honor His decision,
And not make God regret His choice,
Shake His head and wonder,
“Why you?
“I should have chosen someone else.”

- Julie Zuckschwerdt 05/09/06

This is a photo taken about 7-8 years ago. I was going to post it as my profile photo, but I can't get it to work. Anyway, the cat on the back of the couch is Paislee, the dog on the couch is Kailee. Then on my lap are Gidget & Bart, and next to me is Jaydee. My mom had the photo scanned last year and put on a mug for me so now I have it on disc. The sad thing is that all but Kailee (and me, of course) have died. I miss them all.

When Called

When Called

It is an honor to be called out;
To Have God say you are ready;
To walk through the battlefield
Equipped in the armor of His holy word;
To take a stand where others fall
And say, “Yes, Lord, use me.”
Not to whimper or cry,
But to shout because you are chosen;
To tremble in awe of such an assignment,
And pray for wisdom and strength;
To try to understand,
And believe God’s will even when you don’t;
To say, “Yes, Lord, teach me.”
To feel His blessing grip a hold of you,
And kneel in His presence;
To not give up or give in,
But to push ahead through the muck.

And when you reach the end,
To praise Him for surviving;
To say, “Yes, Lord, heal me.”
And not become bitter;
To reflect on all He taught you;
To remember he chose you;
To feel your faith stronger,
And heart more open;
To do it all again,
And say, “Yes, Lord, use me.”

- Julie Zuckschwerdt 04/21/06

Don’t be a Bully (Don’t Box God In)

Today is my cat Oliver’s 6th birthday. Cosette seemed lonely being the only kitten in the house, so I decided she needed company. So on December 3, 2000, I got the only cat left at the pet store. (Yes, I know better now and will only get animals from the shelter from now on.)
Oliver is a sweet boy and a loving snuggle bug. He is, however, very territorial. In the almost 6 years since he has been with me, he has been to the vet three times for infected bites from fights he has gotten into. He is even a bit of a bully with my other cats and fully believes he is the king of the castle. It makes me frustrated and I’m always telling him that it’s wrong to be a bully. He just says, “meow!.”
Even if we don’t throw a punch or verbally assault someone, I know we are all guilty of being bullies. I think we mostly bully not by violence, but by various forms of manipulation. I am an admitted pouter. Not only with the humans in my life, but with God. I will barely speak to Him or swear He doesn’t love me when things don’t go my way. Unfortunately, things very rarely go my way. So I have to learn (still learning) to not be a spoiled brat and love God just for being God. If I refuse to learn this lesson I am going to waste way too much of my life in a perpetual frown. Not very attractive, and not pleasing to God at all. Therefore I will do my best to not box God into my little world, or bully Him into my way of thinking. He is, after all, the Creator of all that has ever existed. So I would say it’s my turn to sit back and let Him take control.
P.S. When I wrote about my cat Cosette on her b-day, I mentioned that’s she was sick. Well, now she’s at the vet so they can perform a bunch of blood work and may have to do x-rays. The estimated bill they gave me was $366.00, and they won’t accept partial payments. Again, if any one is reading this, please pray for Cosette, but also that God will some how help with my finances as this will eat up all but $210 of my paycheck.

Unconditional Love

The last two dogs that came into my life, Brejae’ and Jonah, were both adopted from the animal shelter (Bre the big one, Jonah’s the small one). I got Bre in September 2005 and Jonah in August 2006
The thing with rescuing a dog from the shelter is that soon after getting your new bundle of joy home, you realize why they were pound puppies in the first place. Shelter dogs are very affectionate b/c they are thrilled to have been saved from jail and probable death, but they tend to have been placed there by immature owners who could not handle the dog’s behavioral problems. Jonah was a stray but Bre was an “owner surrender.” They are both escape artists (like to dig under the fence, and Bre can also jump over) and very destructive of anything they can get their teeth into. Yet, no matter how much they frustrate me, I would never send them back to the pound. I accepted them unconditionally the day I signed the adoption forms.
I sometimes wonder if God feels like He made a mistake in adopting me as His child. I am very stubborn and lack the faith that I know He wants me to have. However, He will never change His mind and un-adopt me. I am the only one who could choose to sever our ties, and even them He would never stop loving me or wanting me to come back to Him. I find that so humbling! With the exception of my parents, every other human in my life has rejected me when I have not conformed to their ways. Although God longs for me to live as pure and Godly a life as possible, He will not shut me out of His life if I am not perfect. That makes me want even more to be the best Christian I can possibly be. His love truly is amazing!

Random Thoughts on Prayer

I would say I am not the best pray-er (I know that’s not actually a word!) It’s a combination of lack faith that God will answer, and that He just feels so far away that it’s hard to accept that He’s really listening. I do not want my prayers to be all about asking for what I need, and I should always remember to thank Him for all He’s done/will do.
I pray throughout the day by simply telling Him what I’m feeling. Sometimes I worry that He will tire of my constant chatter when I rattle on to Him about my frustrations. I also worry that I’m being far too casual with the Almighty God. But I also know He knows me better than anyone be/c he’s my Creator, and therefore understands my need to talk to Him so much. However, I do still need to respect who He is, and remember Isaiah 55:9, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” I don’t have to understand Him, just love Him.
I don’t have any grand point here, just some random thoughts.
For an excellent article on prayer, check out: http://nehemiah.gospelcom.net/praywill4.htm

Be Like Jonah

On Aug. 19 I adopted my 4th dog from the animal shelter. He is the cute schnauzer-mix at the end of the couch in the photo of my dogs I posted a few days ago. He was a stray, and the people at the pound had been calling him Noodle. Cute name, but not significant to me. Therefore, I decided to change his name to Jonah.
Jonah may not be a very popular person from the bible due to his blatant disobedience to God to refuse to go to Nineveh. However, when confronted, he was honest and admitted to the crew on the boat that the big storm threatening their ship was his fault and to toss him overboard. Then the big fish came and swallowed him, where he spent 3 days in repentance. By the time the fish regurgitated Jonah, his heart was more than ready to serve God.
Sometimes I feel a lot like Jonah. I do not know exactly where I am to be used by Him, but I know that the tough situations I go through are only for making me stronger as long as I am willing to own up to my sins. I may not have to endure something as dramatic as 3 days in the slimy, smelly, sticky belly of a giant fish, but I have had my share of unpleasantries. Yet in those times, it has forced my focus back on God and I have been able to serve Him as a better person.
And, by the way, I also like the Christian group “Jonah 33,” and I’m even listening to their latest album “Strangest Day” as I type this.

Cosette's Story

Today is my cat Cosette’s 6th birthday. That’s her in the photo (Ignore the un-vacuumed carpet!). Cosette is actually an answer to prayer. My cat Paislee had died in July 1999. About a year later I had been considering getting another cat, but I wasn’t sure if I should. I prayed that if it was God’s will for me to get a cat, that he would find a way to bring me one. Well, less than a week later on Oct. 20, 2000, I was working in dispatch one night when a man came into the lobby with a kitten. He had found her with 2-3 other dead kittens, and the mother was no where in sight. Usually we turned animals over to animal control, but I knew she was my answered prayer, so I agreed to care for her. She was only about 2 weeks old at the time, and I didn’t even know how to care for such a small kitten. But I bought her a kitten bottle and kitty formula and fed her for quite a while. Obviously, she’s with me still. I have the strongest bond w/ her than any other cat I have ever had.
Unfortunately she is very sick right now. She was diagnosed with an intestinal inflection 1 ½ weeks ago, but now she has quit eating. I will probably have to take her back to the vet by the end of this week if she doesn’t improve. I’m really worried. If any one is actually reading this, and you believe in prayer, please pray that God will heal my cat, Cosette. Thank you!

Through the Fire

A lot of believers like to say that they will walk through the fires of life, but as long as God is on their side, they will not be burnt. If you have ever actually lived, you know this is not really true. I have been pretty burnt up in my life. I’m not talking singed, but down right set on fire and burnt to a crisp. (I’m not trying to be insensitive to real burn victims; I’m just using this as a metaphor.)
This is where another one of my favorite verses comes into play. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” Yep, we will be “stuck down,” or set on fire, if you will. But we choose whether or not we let life keep us down. I know, easier said than done. I have been through a series of losses and hardships lately, and I have not found it so simple to allow myself to not be destroyed. I struggle almost every day with faith issues. Does God love me or really care about me? Many days my answer is either “no” or “I don’t know.” But the Truth is that He does.
I still feel the fire’s warmth on my face and worry it will again consume me. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Yet I will choose as Job did in Job 13:15, “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.”
This is a long and open-ended topic. I’ll write more on it at a later date.

Here are a couple of photos. The non-furry one is me. This was when I was coloring my hair red. The dye, however, had done some serious damage to my hair, so I went back to my natural color at least 6 months ago. So now I am blonde, and my hair is shorter. The photo of my dogs are: The cat on the back is Belicia (Bella), The dogs on the couch art Frodo, Brejae’ (Bre), and Jonah. The dog on the floor is Kailee.